Mangled Heart

So lately I've been accused of changing. "How?" you ask. I don't know. I don't believe I've changed. Well, other than the fact that I'm happier and it feels like maybe a dream or two I refused to allow myself to have may actually come true. Without going into specifics (now be still your heart! I'll go into them eventually, just not right now!) I will let you know that TV and movies and books have taught me that a parent is to love their child unconditionally. You can agree or disagree, I don't care. This is my blog and I'm putting down my thoughts on this subject. But like I said, a parent is to love their child unconditionally. I thought I had this. But I feel as though I have been sorely mistaken. You see, there was a young man I met about 5 or 6 years ago. When I first met him, it was like the world faded away into oblivion and all background noise was silenced. It was him and only him that I had eyes for. Which, if you knew me then, was completely out of character for me!! I gave up on the idea of love when I was 16. But here was this young man, throwing that notion out of the water!! We exchanged numbers and started talking and texting almost immediately...long story short, abt out a month later, he said he didn't feel we could really have a relationship because of the distance factor....I just thought he was trying to gently let me down. But always, ALWAYS, we'd get back in touch....and then things would die down....for years this was our cycle.....and life happened and he....well, he became a dad. So I forced myself to not think about him. My life pretty much went screwy ever since.....fast forward to today and this man and I are talking again. With the exception that now he truly wants to move forward. And he hinted at this before but I refused to allow myself to believe this. But it's true. What happened next was my mother at first being accepting and then going on a tirade that I was a whore and broke up a family (none of which is true) and her turning my sisters on me and attempting to turn family, friends, and EVEN OUR FELLOW PARISHONERS AT CHURCH against me!!! And she hasn't given up though she acts all lovey-dovey to my face. So now my heart is mangled. I want to be with this person who makes me happy and proud of who I am and not at all self-conscious. But I can't help but feel betrayed at this woman whom I FORGAVE for HER acts of indiscretion and debauchery....this woman who gave birth to me....I don't know if things will ever be the same between us. But I know that she never gave him a chance and she refuses to listen to me. So if you're a parent out there, put yourself in the shoes of your child. Would you have wanted your parents to treat you unjustly? Are you doing that now? I know there's more than one side to every story, but at least attempt to read the other half of the chapter before giving your review.

It Shouldn't....

My heart shouldn't still race...my palms shouldn't still get sweaty...my knees shouldn't still get weak...my tongue shouldn't still twist...my mouth shouldn't still get dry...my brain shouldn't still go blank...not after 14 years...not when I see him still.

Remember Columbine

My world came to a crashing halt on April 19, 1999. No, not because I was suddenly thinking of an old grade school pal, Eric Chjnacki and silently wishing him happy birthday, but because the PA system crackled to life while I was in Bio II.

The news was not one of an impromptu school rally or to call Joe Blow to the office to meet with the principal or for Donna Diva to pick up the bouquet of roses left in the office for her from her boyfriend to say that he loved her. No. The announcement was that 2 high school students had taken their school hostage and was shooting to kill.

The class went from a rowdy raucous to an eerie silence in 0.5 seconds flat. Then, the panic set in. Girls started crying, boys started throwing out profanities. Couples were rushing to embrace while siblings were running towards each other making sure they were okay. Never mind that the school where the shootings were taking place was on the other side of the continent in Colorado. No. What mattered was that this was real and that it was our age group causing death and destruction.

I remember one of the young men in my class chatting it up with Mr. Mohr, our Bio II teacher, that he never thought he would see this in his day. Mr. Mohr had replied everyone thinks that and despite evil happening, we as a human race still keep hope that it will not happen. Then, they looked over at me, the only person still seated, writing. Mr. Mohr knew about my suicide attempts and the struggles I was going through that year. I think he was worried that I was further detaching myself from the reality I lived in. I tried to shove that thought to the side as I said in a joking manner, "Even if the threat was here and we died today, Father Murphy would still want this lesson plan for Good News even if it means asking permission to cross back over onto the realm of Earth and hand it in." Laughter rang out but their eyes showed a different tune. I think that was when I truly started to worry myself.

I walked in a fog as I went with my (now former) girlfriend and got in her mom's car. I was to stay with her until my parents came home. I don't remember the conversation in the car or what Marianne (Ricci Jean's mom) had to say in terms of comfort. I don't remember the ride to Ricci Jean's house much less my dad coming to get me and bring me home later that night. I do remember, though, that deep in my heart, I knew I needed help. And if I needed help, how much more did Dylan and Eric need before they decided to turn the guns on others much less on themselves? How close to that reality on the other side of the country was I? Would I ever get far enough away that it would seem a distant reality? An alternate reality?

Ten years later and I can say that that world in which I lived in when I was 16 going on 17 is indeed a distant reality. I read my poetry and journals from that time and see a dark, bitter, tortured soul. Someone who had lost hope. And I long to wrap my arms around her and encourage her to live. Encourage her to seek out another way to live. To hope. I wanted to give her what she had to learn on her own the hard way. A way she should not have gone. How similar that young woman's story was to that of Dylan's and Eric's. But unlike them, she turned to the Lord. She learned from the ground up what hope was and how trust in the Lord can do more than one can imagine possible. She looked to the journals and words of family and friends of two other teenagers who were involved in the massacre at Columbine High: Rachel Scott and Cassie Bernall. One young woman whose trust in the Lord and faith walk was evident to all who met her. Another who traveled down the wrong path and was spiraling to an end much like that of the young men who shot her at point blank range. Rachel's journaling in Rachel's Tears show that she sensed these young men were troubled and she tried to reach out to them but to no avail. Cassie's own words and pictures in She Said Yes: The Unlikely Martyrdom of Cassie Bernall portray a disturbing picture of a beautiful girl who herself was hashing out plans to kill her parents and end her own life before she was invited to Bible Camp and came back a changed girl. Many accounts say that the young gunmen asked both girls, as well as others, if they believed in God. When the answer was a firm, "Yes," they were killed for standing up for their beliefs and testifying to God.

It was the accounts of Rachel and Cassie that made me give pause to my life. I changed that day. Not a complete 180. No. Mine was a journey of 2 years. It has only been recently that I have allowed myself to revisit the young girl I left behind 10 years ago. A lifetime, it seems, but oh how I remember it like it was yesterday. I give thanks to the Lord for these unlikely martyrs who made me think, "Do I have something to believe in? Would I be willing to die for the Lord?" I give thanks to these brave young women as well as the others who did not back down from their belief because their faith inspired my own, if not countless others. I pray for the grieving families, of both the slain and the accused. It is so easy to point fingers and cast blame as to how someone could not notice that trouble was on the horizon when they themselves are blind to what is going on in front of them. I can only hope that I have reached one person in living the way the victims of Columbine reached me in dying.

On this day, I pray for victims everywhere. May God hold them eternally in His love and grace.

Would You Rather....?

So I'm not really the cheesy romantic movie type of girl unless I don't want to have to follow a plot line or am just desperate to believe that love still exists in some capacity. But I got to admit, the following line is good: "I'd rather fight with you than make love with anybody else." This comes from The Wedding Date.

I, unfortunately, would have to admit that I may actually fall for someone had they decide to use that line....for about a minute and then I would smack them upside the head and ask them how much tequila they had been drinking.

Don't get me wrong. I am sure love exists. I've seen evidences of it in couples that have been married for 65 years, or in the marriage of Lucy and Eddie Padilla who showed how happy and fulfilling and full of love a marriage can be when you invite the blessed trinity into it from the beginning. But this day and age, it's kind of hard to see true love as true love unless you're watching a Disney fairy tale. When I was in high school, many of my peers got married immediately following graduation because they feared their parents would kick them out of the house. Almost 9 years later and they are in the same marriage complaining of how loveless the relationship is but because they sacrificed college and following their dreams, they're working $7/hour jobs as cashiers at Walgreens. Why they feel they can't go back to school or to a marriage counselor or just break out and try to get their dreams back is beyond me. It's like they played "Would You Rather...?" and didn't realize that the lesser of the two options is actually the one you don't want to choose and have to live with.

So, maybe if someone came up to me and told me they would rather fight with me than make love with anybody else, I'll give pause and play "Would You Rather...?" Who knows, maybe I'll pick the fight. Passion, raw emotion, connection....I'd rather have that than someone who was only in it for lust and an emotionless void.

Isaiah 30:21

"Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, 'This is the way; walk in it.'" ~Isaiah 30:21 (New International Version)

I was reading a book about 2 weeks ago and this scripture verse leapt off the page and into my brain pretty much the same way it did for the main character. Then, the next day at a young adult retreat on the discernment in prayer with the Humility of Mary sisters, Sr. Cheryl Rose speaks of this scripture passage to Matt, Tina and myself at lunch. I had shared with her that I had just read this passage the night before and felt God was trying to tell me something about the sudden feelings on marriage I was having versus making a decision to take vows and join the sisters. (As it is, I am in discernment to be an Associate with them and will be making my commitment this Saturday.)

Then, after lunch, as we were back in Mother Madeline's room, Mae brings up how she opened The Bible during her personal time earlier that morning and landed on Isaiah 30:21 and felt God was telling her to share this scripture b/c someone in the room desperately needed to hear it and to focus on it. Well, Sr. Cheryl's mouth dropped open and both Matt and Tina turned to look at me w/ shock and disbelief on their faces. I could only silently chuckle and tell God that I was listening, but I was having trouble focusing.

On Good Friday, I went to see my Tetelestai family and watch the final prayerformance of the season. I shared my dilemma w/ my friend Matt who played the role of Jesus that night and he gave his Mona Lisa smile and told me I needed to take time out and silently listen. That maybe the wrestler I met was for a reason but not the reason I'm thinking and that maybe marriage is on my mind b/c my heart is considering taking vows and declaring a marriage to Christ. Pretty profound for Matt. (If you knew him personally, you're probably asking yourself if he had a beer in his hand and was trying to impress someone, but this was not the case.) Two days later, I was chatting online with my sassy, spunky blond Sister-in-Christ and fellow Tetelestai cast member, Angela, when she gave me pretty much the same advice as Matt. So God is definitely trying to tell me something. I just need to break the thick sheet of glass and clear my focus so I can hear His Word and can keep moving in the path He has laid out for me.

WTF?!?! OMG!!!!

So.....I was chatting with a friend I made last year *ahem* summer of 2007, sorry. And I was reminded of how happy and giddy I felt when I was near him and talking with him, etc, etc, etc. (See the first post, I believe, in this series.) And as we were saying good night (yes, we were chatting just after ringing in 2009) I realized that when I met him, he was 20!!! And then, I saw his status: "in a relationship." Seriously? You would do that to me, God? Knowing that I'm all about the internal aspect of a person and putting age aside, you would show me his status as I start wondering the "what if's" again. Seriously. And I'm all flirty in the chat and such and then gotta reel it in big time and change course before he gets freaked out. Why, when I decide it may not be a bad thing to be in a relationship and am trying to determine if there is meaning behind the sudden interests from 2 very cool, intelligent, good looking men who actually attend church - and my church to boot! - when Mr. I Would See Dead People With You comes back into my life with an unexplained phone call to see if I'll be at camp with him and others and then there he is on my Facebook saying how they all missed me and....I had a point when I started this thing, I know I did....or maybe my point was just that I am a big ol' ball of confusion. So what else is new?

More Rants and Ramblings

Bloody hell. I know I suck at keeping up with things but this is pathetic. Every time I come on here, my brain - what's left of it - shuts off and I'm left with a big, black void of nothingness. At any rate, I have the release of Twilight to look forward to. (And yes, I am one of those literary fiends who analyzes every description, line, setting and comment about how it's portrayed. Though if the director has any ounce of integrity in terms of keeping to the true story line, then I won't complain...as much.) In other worlds, I am looking for my "nobody, too" (fans of this poem will know what this is in reference to, no doubt). I am also floundering. Still. Not sure when I'll stop flopping around but at least it's made it to my consciousness. That's saying a lot for me. Ah, well. Mind is entering space again. Think I'll go in search of some webisodes from my new fave TV show from across the Pond, "Skins" - the boys are hot!! And yes, I know they are younger than me. I never said I was going to do anything but watch them. So get your mind out of the gutter. And if you can't, say "hello" to the stars for me.